I Love Her But Sometimes She Drives Me Crazy

Today's Song: "Mother, Mother" by Tracy Bonham

I want to preface this ramble with the following assurance: I love my mother, but as is often the case with family, that doesn't mean I always like her.

So I got dumped a few weeks ago, which was bad enough, but then my mother finds out (no, I didn't tell her, the reason for which will soon be clear) and calls me up to tell me that, perhaps, if I was less "vocal in my opinions," it wouldn't have happened (are we back in the '50s, Mom?). This is without asking me what happened. She never asks what happened. She simply assumes that if I'd been dumped, then it must be my fault. I would like to point out that as a somewhat insecure woman, I do not need my mother to tell me it is my fault. That is something that I automatically assume--reviewing every word and action from every date, text, and conversation for potential pitfalls. But aren't mothers supposed to be supportive? Because mine uses such occasions to inform me of every personality flaw she believes me to have and how if I would just correct these flaws, then I would be able to keep a man in my life (never pausing to wonder if the man is actually worth keeping).

This is not the first time she's given me such old fashioned advice. In 10th grade, she lectured me for asking a guy to homecoming, because "boys will say yes even if they don't want to go out with you because they feel bad saying no." In 11th grade, she told me I couldn't go to prom with only my girlfriends (a couple of whom were in 10th grade, so those of us in 11th were going to buy tickets for them) because everyone would think I was a lesbian.

My mother has always been happier when I've had a boyfriend. As if having a boyfriend validates my existence. People talk about movies and novels giving girls unrealistic expectations about life, but I think my mother has done more damage than any number of movies or novels ever could. And I know it's not intentional. I know she feels she has my best interests in mind when she suggests that I talk too loud, am too opinionated, or any number of other flaws. Her harping means she cares. But it also means leaves me feeling self conscious of every aspect of myself and as if there is some element of my personality that makes me unlovable. Because, according to her, if there wasn't something wrong with me, then I'd be married by now like so many of my relatives and friend.

So despite my love for my mother, there is a small part of me that is very angry with her for making me feel so inadequate at a time when I'm searching within myself. I'm not saying the blame should be put solely on the guy, but the larger part of me wants to find someone who likes me for me. And just once, I'd like to hear my mother say what all my other friends said, "He's an idiot for dumping you."

New Year's Resolutions for 2012

My poor blog. I abandoned you for so long, but something about being back in school again makes me want to start blogging on a regular basis again. (Maybe it's the fact that I don't have a 9-to-5 job grinding me down on a daily and weekly basis, and making me never want to look at a computer screen in my time off.) Whatever the reason, I've decided to give this another try, new year and whatnot. This year, I feel the need to put my resolutions down in writing and hold myself accountable for them. So here goes, drumroll please, my new year's resolutions are:

1. Write in my blog on at least a weekly basis. (And make it interesting.)
2. Re-implement my lifestyle (diet and exercise) changes so that I can lose the rest of the weight I need to, and keep it off!
3. This past year, I read a high number of books (130). Next year, I want to focus on reading more classic literature (which takes longer for me to read than the brain candy on which I gorged myself this year, but will help me with my thesis).
4. Get caught back up on my favorite webcomics.
5. Plan another backpacking trip with my dad for this summer (we had to skip last summer what with both of us relocating cross-country).

That's all I can think of for now. Five seems like a good number of resolutions, so we'll stop there.