I Love Her But Sometimes She Drives Me Crazy

Today's Song: "Mother, Mother" by Tracy Bonham

I want to preface this ramble with the following assurance: I love my mother, but as is often the case with family, that doesn't mean I always like her.

So I got dumped a few weeks ago, which was bad enough, but then my mother finds out (no, I didn't tell her, the reason for which will soon be clear) and calls me up to tell me that, perhaps, if I was less "vocal in my opinions," it wouldn't have happened (are we back in the '50s, Mom?). This is without asking me what happened. She never asks what happened. She simply assumes that if I'd been dumped, then it must be my fault. I would like to point out that as a somewhat insecure woman, I do not need my mother to tell me it is my fault. That is something that I automatically assume--reviewing every word and action from every date, text, and conversation for potential pitfalls. But aren't mothers supposed to be supportive? Because mine uses such occasions to inform me of every personality flaw she believes me to have and how if I would just correct these flaws, then I would be able to keep a man in my life (never pausing to wonder if the man is actually worth keeping).

This is not the first time she's given me such old fashioned advice. In 10th grade, she lectured me for asking a guy to homecoming, because "boys will say yes even if they don't want to go out with you because they feel bad saying no." In 11th grade, she told me I couldn't go to prom with only my girlfriends (a couple of whom were in 10th grade, so those of us in 11th were going to buy tickets for them) because everyone would think I was a lesbian.

My mother has always been happier when I've had a boyfriend. As if having a boyfriend validates my existence. People talk about movies and novels giving girls unrealistic expectations about life, but I think my mother has done more damage than any number of movies or novels ever could. And I know it's not intentional. I know she feels she has my best interests in mind when she suggests that I talk too loud, am too opinionated, or any number of other flaws. Her harping means she cares. But it also means leaves me feeling self conscious of every aspect of myself and as if there is some element of my personality that makes me unlovable. Because, according to her, if there wasn't something wrong with me, then I'd be married by now like so many of my relatives and friend.

So despite my love for my mother, there is a small part of me that is very angry with her for making me feel so inadequate at a time when I'm searching within myself. I'm not saying the blame should be put solely on the guy, but the larger part of me wants to find someone who likes me for me. And just once, I'd like to hear my mother say what all my other friends said, "He's an idiot for dumping you."

Jaxx Recommends...a funny movie with a unique ending

::::SPOILER ALERT::::

Finally, a movie in which the girl does not change herself to get the guy: All About Steve. This movie surprised me on many fronts.

First, the crossword puzzle theme. I love crossword puzzles, though I will never be as good at them as my mother. Mary is a crucioverbalist (crossword puzzle creator) and it infiltrates every aspect of her life. I will admit that towards the beginning I almost wanted to mute the movie at times because she really would not shut up. Which was exactly what the other characters in the movie felt, too. So it worked. In very small doses.

"If life is like a crossword puzzle, then its worth, its greatness should be judged in the same way. Is it solvable? Is it entertaining? Does it sparkle?"

Second, that it is not actually a romcom because it doesn't culminate in a relationship (I was wondering in the beginning how these two would become reconciled). It was hard to tell from the previews, and I wondered briefly if Mary might not end up with the TV reporter Hughes who was encouraging her to stalk Steve (his cameraman), but in the end I thought it was better they didn't. Though, it would also have been nice to see a girl not change herself and still get the guy.

Mary Horowitz wisdom:
"If you love someone, set him free. If you have to stalk him, he probably wasn't yours in the first place."

The final surprise was my favorite, Mary Horowitz does not change herself. She does not: get a makeover; stop talking too much; or give up wearing her screaming red fashion faux pas boots. Instead she realizes that it's okay to be unique and that she doesn't need to have a boyfriend to be complete. And though she may not get the guy, she gets friends and finds somewhere she belongs and I think it's high time that was celebrated.

"New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz says we have a natural compulsion to fill empty spaces. I like to think he means not just crosswords, but the empty spaces inside of us that come from making your way in a world that doesn't always embrace unique. I tried to fill my empty spaces with words, and puzzles, and Steve. But that's wasn't the answer. Now I know. On the journey of life, just find someone as normal as you. If not a whole bunch."

All quotes are spoken by Sandra Bullock as Mary Horowitz in All About Steve.

Wedding Bell Blues and the Limbo Life

The problem with weddings is that they remind me of how chronically single I am. I don't much care for casual dating (and my go at it last August definitely didn't make me want change my mind) and I've found that while I like going to bars and can't imagine dating a guy who didn't like them as well, I don't like the guys I meet there. I'm not saying I'm not happy for my friend. Her wedding was beautiful; her husband was charming and everything one could want. Actually it wasn't so much the wedding as being there with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend. I felt like a fifth wheel, especially as the only other people I knew were the bride's family. We knew each other growing up, but our families moved so we didn't go to high school together. It also makes me feel more and more like I'm doomed to be an old maid as I go to weddings of friends who are younger than me. I'm just glad that my younger sister isn't ready for that yet. Not that it really matters as she and her boyfriend have been together forever. And so I'm stuck wondering what I'm doing wrong that I seem to be the only one who isn't coupling off as if ordained by some godlike force. It's not like I'm against marriage. But where is one supposed to meet anyone worth dating? And it's hard to even contemplate dealing with that when I don't even know where or how I'm going to be living at the end of the summer. Part of me thinks perhaps leaving Dallas is the right thing to do. But then I remember how long it took me to find friends and how much I love the friends I have here. I've never had a hometown. And I hated having to leave my friends behind when I moved from Kansas to Iowa between 7th and 8th grade. If I could take them all with me, then I would move anywhere. But that's not possible. And it makes me wish even more that I had a husband. Because then it doesn't matter where you move as long as you move together. You always know at least one person, no matter where you go. Although my friend who got married last week is going to spend the next six months on her own while her husband finishes his army training, which just goes to show that life is never easy for anyone. We all have challenges that we must face. And we have to be strong enough to face them even if it's on our own. Which sounds so trite and stupid. Just like everybody keeps telling me "Everything happens for a reason." And that when it's the right job and what I'm meant to be doing, it'll all work out. But with more rejection piling up on me each week, and emails informing me that more qualified candidates were chosen for jobs that I was amply qualified for, I despair of anything working itself out. Because I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm simply competing with people who I should never have to compete with in a normal economy for near-entry-level jobs that I shouldn't have any problems getting. I'd feel bad for the new college grads if my life didn't suck so much that I can't spare any pity for anyone else. At least none of them have been unemployed for 9 months. I don't know what I'm supposed to do until I manage to get into grad school (even if I apply this fall and by some miracle get accepted, I still have to find a way to live for the next 16 months or so and there's no way I can work as a retail slut for that long; I'll lose my mind). I'm living in limbo and I'm not talking a fun game to play at parties. I can't get a job; I can't get a guy; and I can't make any plans with anyone. I had to miss my favorite cousin's graduation this weekend to boot. It is the icing on top of a cake of life sucks. Black licorice-flavored icing on a cake in which the sugar was replaced with salt, the outer ring is dry and the inside isn't baked all the way through.

Jaxx Recommends...Music to Make You Get Up

I was feeling very down this weekend. Holidays do that to me. Even in college, I still spent most holidays with my family. My grama lived in Lincoln, so when all else failed, I always had family within a twenty-minute drive. Now I feel as if all my family has been ripped away from me. It's especially hard to deal with now that my life is so off-kilter. It was one thing to be on my own in Dallas when I was a successful adult. Now not only do I feel like a failure, but I can't even afford to visit any of my family as the closest members are a very long day of driving away and the rest can't be reached without a plane ticket. So when Citizen B introduced me to Lily Allen's music on Friday, it was exactly what I needed to pick me up. It makes me want to get up and dance and laugh and sing out loud. Her songs are quirky, fun and relatable with just a touch of the ridiculous to them. Her British accent definitely helps, too. There isn't a video for one of my favorite songs, "22" but I've included three of my favorite videos here for those who haven't heard her. Probably everyone already has. My dislike of radio leaves me behind the times on most things music. If you enjoy the ridiculous, check out the video for "Alfie," which is very cute while still having meaning.

"Sun is in the sky. Oh why, oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?" I quite like how this first video is composed with her seeing the world as a bright, perfect place contrasted with what is really there. I often feel like that. I want to think the best of things, but it can be a challenge.

"I don't know what's right or what's real anymore. And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore. When do you think it will all become clear? 'Cause I'm being taken over by the fear." Which is how I'm feeling as I start looking more seriously at going to grad school. It seems the only option, but is it really what I want to do? Some days it seems obvious and others I feel like I'm just setting myself up to fail.



I just love this song. Are you truly surprised?



I want to close with lyrics from "22" because it feels so fitting to my life right now:
"When she was 22, the future looked bright. She's nearly 30 now and she's out every night. I see that look in her face, she's got that look in her eye. She's thinking, 'How did I get here?' and wondering why. It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over. There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say. Until a man of her dreams comes a long, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder. It seems so unlikely in this day and age."

And we're not supposed to want that anymore. I feel like I'm full of contradictions. I'm a feminist who loves romance novels and wants to be married. But I try to say it's different because I don't expect a man to support me. So does that make me complex, or a hypocrite? I was mostly happy being self-sufficient, independent and single before. But more and more I find myself feeling like there's something wrong with me because I'm still single or getting frustrated with the guys I do meet. Is it demanding to want a guy who has read even one book in the last year (or knows where Lincoln, Nebraska is)? I don't care if it makes me a nerd; I love books. I could give up everything else in my life, except for books and writing. And music. I can't imagine dating, much less marrying, someone who doesn't understand my passion for reading. I'm not asking for someone who reads what I read or even the amount I do. I simply want someone who occasionally wants to read something, anything, that isn't a tech manual or magazine. And apparently this is way too much to ask.

But I've gotten off topic. Admit it, her music got your feet tapping. And you're smiling, right? I definitely am (in spite of it all).

Life Delivers Another Suckerpunch to the Gut

I'm starting to wonder if I was a murderer or other equally horrible human being in a previous life, because if there is such a thing as Karma, I'm at a loss as to what horrible thing (or things) I have done to earn myself so much crap. As I said to a friend yesterday, "It feels like life is kicking my ass." Because my life doesn't already suck enough, yesterday I got into an accident on the way to a friend's house. Thank god no one was injured and the insurance company is taking care of the other car (it was, of course, declared my fault). Now my beautiful car is marred, but, of course, I cannot afford even the $500 deductible at the moment and it is driveable, so I will have to wait until I am fully employed again to get it repaired. In the past six months, I have: 1) been laid off and unable to find gainful employment; 2) lost my computer and everything upon it to a harddrive crash, and 3) been involved in a car accident. I am desperately hoping that bad things really do only come in threes. If it's not due to Karma, then some more major deity (I used to say minor deity when the occasional shitty thing happened, but I've decided that apparently I've gone beyond that now) is incredibly pissed off at me. How does one go about appeasing deities anymore? I don't have animals to slaughter or crops to burn. I guess I could leave the cookies in the oven too long, but that doesn't seem like much of a substitute. Besides, if that was the answer, I would think that the quiche I spilled on the bottom of the oven and had to clean off last month would have done the trick. I did make sure that I went out this weekend and did not hole up in my apartment too afraid to leave my apartment, but if something good doesn't happen soon, I'm close to giving up on the idea that life outside my apartment is worth interacting with. Oh, to be a Regency-Era lady. I wouldn't need a job. I wouldn't have to drive a car. I wouldn't be single and 26. I could wear pretty dresses. I could go to fancy balls and dance and flirt with handsome men. I could spend my days reading, cross-stitching, drawing and playing the piano. Somedays I just want the simple simplicity of living out my life as a character of a Jane Austen novel. And I realize I would probably have been an impoverished maid, but, fuck it, this is my fantasy world and that means the men are all rich, handsome and honorable and the women are never poor, fat and alone.

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Unsatisfied

This video never fails to amuse me (and cheer me up). Is there any more perfect revenge? Personally, I've always been part of the camp that likes to imagine that my exes just drop off the face of the earth. It's not that I want them to die precisely, but just not make me aware of their existence ever again. Which is why I could not understand when my ex from 6-7 years ago (a high school boyfriend I should have dumped before college, but I was stupid back then) messaged me on facebook about, oh maybe 9 months ago, wanting me to "friend" him. To which I responded, "I'd rather not," though I wanted to say, "Hell no! What the fuck are you smoking, asshole?" We did not break up amicably. He accused me of cheating on him (I wasn't); I later realized he was probably cheating on me (curse you, Psychology 101). So this post is dedicated to all the asshole guys (and notice I'm not saying all guys are assholes) out there who think they're hot but they're really not.

Happy S.A.D. Everyone!

To celebrate Singles Awareness Day, my friends and I went to see He's Just Not That Into You. It was better than I expected, though the majority of it didn't help me want to get back into dating. I guess it's the cut and dry attitude with which it treats everything to which I object. It's easy to say a guy's not into you when he doesn't call. At least I have no problems figuring that kind of crap behavior out. What about the guys who do call, who do text, who do have conversations with you, who act all nice, but then they just stop being able to fit you into their "busy" schedules, all the while still calling and talking to you all the time. What about the boys who don't act like total assholes, but still can't commit to a relationship? Neither the movie nor the parts of the book that I read deal with the inbetween guys who I always seem to encounter. I find it's easy to escape from the obvious assholes. What's hard for me is figuring out when guys really are nice and just busy and when they're just stringing me along. They get all pissy if I question their behavior, but how is a girl to tell when assholes wear nice guy clothing so well? I did like the ending of the movie. I thought it was nice that they kept it real by not having everyone end up happily ever after, but the ones who I really wanted to get together did. So not my favorite movie, but it was fun and I liked the actors. It was also perfect for V-Day as we were a bunch of singletons. Later that night, we moved on to a dance club in Uptown to enjoy fast beats, mixed drinks, cute boys and letting go of our inhibitions. There's nothing like dancing to make me feel better, even when life sucks. The advantage of going to a gay club was that there weren't many boa constrictor guys trying to latch onto my ass and squeeze the breath out of me. I don't know why so many men are so bad at something that is a very easy act. My friend Dameon proceeded to get drunk off his ass. More so than I've ever seen him, which was vastly amusing, until he puked down the outside of my car. The only reason he wasn't booted from the car and left on the side of North Central Expressway being that he did not puke on the inside. The plus side was that he paid to wash my car today. So that was my valentine's day. All in all not bad for a holiday that I generally loath and despise.

Schadenfreude: Is it wrong that it makes me feel so good?

In an effort to cheer me up this morning, Citizen B linked me to F*** My Life (some of the stories on there are NSFW, consider yourselves warned). And I must say, it helped. It reminded me that at least I'm not dating a cheating bastard and my parents didn't celebrate my birthday on the wrong day for most of my life. It didn't make me feel better about my decision to unhide my profile on the dating site though. I hate dating. It feels so futile. I told Citizen B that I will hold her responsible if I never date again after reading all the horror stories about people in relationships and cheating, etc. on that site. She suggested we become spinsters together and throw things at kids who trespass on our lawns. And I reminded her that she currently has a very nice and considerate boyfriend. Lately, I feel like everyone is hooking up with good guys except me. But my friend Andrea did convince me that I don't need to have a job to start dating again. So I'm going to attempt it. But I'm going to be a little bit pickier this time around.

My Version of the Break-up Story

For anyone who (like my friend Dameon) didn't get the 411 on the "break-up" right before Christmas. This was my lesson that I've outgrown college boys (even the ones who are actually older than me).

Dameon says:
I didn't hear that story.

Jaxx says:

(The following are not actual quotes. Just an 'I'm a bitch' Dramatization.)

Oh, boy got busy.

Boy said, “Oh my life is so busy right now, what with me not having any finals because I dropped all my classes and only working part time and I just can’t fit you in between my bouts of drinking with the boys.”

Boy also said, “You’re crazy and make everyone around you miserable.”

Dameon says:
Wow, that's an interesting assessment.

Jaxx says:
Then he goes, “OUR schedules just aren’t allowing enough time for us to get together, I think we should just be friends for now.”

To which I said, “It's not our schedules, it’s your schedule that doesn’t work. Just stick my Psych dvds in the mail so I can have them back.”

Dameon says:
I think he sounds like a butt.

Jaxx says:
He is.