Pondering Back Up Plans and Zack and Miri Make a Porno

"You jest, but these are the exact circumstances that people find themselves in right before they start having sex for money and making porn." - Miri
...
"If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?" - Miri
"Because other people have options. And dignity. Which we do not have. Which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position." - Zack
"Fuck you. I have dignity." - Miri
"Where? Is it hidden in your gigantic underpants that are plastered all over the internet? Is that where you hide your dignity?" - Zack

Today I had my first shift as a retail shoe slut. Better than I feared, but it still reminded me (in under than four hours no less) of all the reasons I was not sad to leave retail behind when I graduated from college. Still it beats making a porno (I am not yet THAT desperate--yet being the key word--my other ridiculous back-up plans (i.e. marry a filthy rich septogenarian; become a madame of a European brothel; work at Disneyland dressed up as a Princess; and find a sugar daddy) would probably come about before that one) and at least I'm making more than I did working at the local independent bookstore sophomore year (minimum wage at the time in Nebraska being a mere $5.15/hour). And money is money. The bills must be paid and my unemployment benefits are very nearly used up. Previously, I've always been saved at the last moment from actually having to return to the world of retail sluttism. But, apparently, I've pissed off some important and powerful omniscient being and said being is bent on ruining my life. I'm also convinced that he or she is attempting to wash the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex off the map. One of the heaviest bursts of rain occurred, of course, just as I arrived home from work, so not only did I have aching feet and a migraine, but I also had to towel myself dry because I looked like a drowned rat. Is there something terribly wrong with me for wanting to quit this job before I've even finished training?

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Unsatisfied

This video never fails to amuse me (and cheer me up). Is there any more perfect revenge? Personally, I've always been part of the camp that likes to imagine that my exes just drop off the face of the earth. It's not that I want them to die precisely, but just not make me aware of their existence ever again. Which is why I could not understand when my ex from 6-7 years ago (a high school boyfriend I should have dumped before college, but I was stupid back then) messaged me on facebook about, oh maybe 9 months ago, wanting me to "friend" him. To which I responded, "I'd rather not," though I wanted to say, "Hell no! What the fuck are you smoking, asshole?" We did not break up amicably. He accused me of cheating on him (I wasn't); I later realized he was probably cheating on me (curse you, Psychology 101). So this post is dedicated to all the asshole guys (and notice I'm not saying all guys are assholes) out there who think they're hot but they're really not.

Quotables from Wild Women

I do so love my "Wild Words from Wild Women" daily calendar.

"Would it upset men if they found out we weren't different?" - Rita Mae Brown (A very cool author. I actually met her once when I was in college.)

"I think racism is a terrible thing. We should all learn to hate each other on an individual basis." - Cathy Ladman

"Sex is still the leading cause of pregnancy." - Frederica Mathewes-Green

"My husband says he can read me like an open book. The only problem is he doesn't know what page I'm on." - Sydney Newman Dotson

"In real life, women are always trying to mix something up with sex--religion, or babies, or hard cash; it is only men who long for sex separated out without rings or strings." - Katherine Whitehorn

The last one reminds me of Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I'm anxiously waiting for my friend to return my dvd set to me so that I can get my fix again. There's nothing that cures a bad day like Breakfast at Tiffany's or an episode of Sex and the City. Today I started fretting about the future (and the uncertainty of my employment and financial status) which always gives me a case of the mean reds. I watched the new episode of How I Met Your Mother and it was all about resumes and finding a job. It made me wish my life was a sitcom. Then all my problems would be solved in 30 minutes and I'd have a lot more to laugh about. At the very least, it'd be totally awesome if Barney (Neil Patrick Harris' character) made me a video resume and got me as cool a job as he got Robin.

So There Is a Demand For It

"I used to be a virgin, but I gave it up because there was no money in it." - Marsha Warfield

Natalie Dylan is proving Marsha Warfield wrong. As a follow up to my question regarding the demand for virginity, a 22-year-old woman in Nevada is auctioning off her virginity online according to a story on FOXNews.com. Normally, I wouldn't read FOX News (my grandad agrees with everything they say, therefore I can't stand it), but my friend Mac shared this story with me and I thought it fit in with my other post too well to ignore. I'm not going to weigh in on the legality of the issue because in my opinion as long as she's not breaking any laws (which they grudgingly admit in the article, in fact the whole point of the article seems to be to complain that it's not against the law), I think she should be able to do what she likes with her body. I seriously doubt it will start some auctioning epidemic like FOX seems to fear. The part I find interesting is that she's apparently been offered $3.7 million for this "precious" commodity. Does anyone else think it's slightly ridiculous that some guy is willing to pay that much for that? And also vaguely creepy. Is this the same type of person who is creating a market for the artificial virginity kits? It's way too former-century for me, personally. But seriously, that's a semi-brilliant way to pay for grad school (though I think it will probably pay for more than that--did I mention she majored in Women's Studies?). If guys are going to be sick and weird, women might as well profit off it.

Post Script: Reuters has a much more balanced report of the story here.

Apparently You Can Buy Everything

So Smart Bitches, Trashy Books posted a link to what might possibly be the weirdest, creepiest thing I've ever seen for sale online (and if you've surfed the internet at all, you know that's not easy): an articifical hymen kit. Yes, for only $15 you can order your very own re-virginization kit from Japan (but shipped from China--with all the controversy over the problems with lead in toys in recent years, do you really want to buy something this personal from there?) and he'll never know it's not for real! Is there really a demand for this? In the US? (I'm assuming there must be at least some interest from here since the price was listed in USD and no other types of currency.) What I want to know is whether it's men or women creating this demand? And there's definitely something about the fact that it only costs $15 that really bugs me.