If This Is "God's Plan" For Me, I'd Like To Know Where He Keeps His Complaint Box.

I feel like I'm treading water in the middle of the ocean and off in the distance I can see a tidal wave breaking over the top of the water. As it approaches, it gathers speed and height. It isn't here yet, but there's no way for me to escape the pull from below the surface as the wave sucks the water from beneath me and prepares to crash down over my head.

Since I was laid off the first week of September, I have applied for a minimum of 4 jobs a week, often more. This means that in this time I have applied for anywhere between 85 and 120 jobs. All of which I was at least minimally qualified for. I'm on the lists at no fewer than 5 staffing agencies. All this and I have had no more than 3 interviews in that time (not including the ones at the staffing agencies themselves which weren't for specific jobs). One didn't let me know either way; one resulted in my current part-time gig; and the last is the one I won't hear about until the end of next week.

Back in September, I was sure I'd have a job by February. I'd been looking since May, after all and already had 3 interviews and almost gotten one job. I wasn't completely unprepared for what happened (the agency hadn't been keeping us busy for at least 4 months), though I'd expected to last at least another month if not more.

Now, I'm reminded every time I request a payment from TWC that my unemployment is running low and I'm approaching the time when college grads will start competing with me because, sadly, I'm still close enough in experience that what I do, a lot of them can manage but without expecting to be paid over $25k/year.

In three months, I will have been looking for a new job for a year. That's never happened to me before. Even when I graduated from college with a useless English degree, few skills, no experience and no idea what I wanted to do (other than avoid teaching like the plague), I found a job in less than three months. When I got laid off last February (yes, I got laid off twice in one year), I was able to find an new job before my three months of warning (that the company had been sold and operations here in Dallas would cease at the end of February) were up.

Unfortunately, I didn't listen to my friends who cautioned me about entering the advertising world. It seemed like the best career path last year when all these senior editor positions were posted online offering salaries over $70k/year. I didn't realize that the agency I was joining would be like going back to Junior High School where Drama is Queen and everybody cared more about office politics than putting together a quality product. Two months in and I knew that I'd made a huge mistake. Unfortunately, this was about a month after the job market started to tank.

Another month and I will be at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I've tried all sorts of a different resume and cover letter combinations. I have a good portfolio. At least I think it's good, especially considering I've only been in the real world of work for 3 years. 3 years seems to be the horrible limbo period of experience. The entry level jobs want HS degrees or pay less than my unemployment benefits. Plus, they won't consider me because I'm "Over Qualified." The mid-level jobs all seem to want a minimum of 5 years experience. Which I can't get because I had the misfortune to have my first company sold out from under me and my second company was like working in hell, though I wouldn't have left without guaranteed employment if they hadn't made the decision for me when work fell off (marketing budgets are the first things to be cut when the economy tanks).

And those 6 months of advertising seem to have erased the 2 and a half years of publishing experience and now everyone wants me to keep proofing fucking coupons. What I learned in those 6 months is that I cannot spend the rest of my life proofing coupons or I will kill myself. I did not go to college for four years so that I could make sure that Large 1-Topping Pizza and Flat Screen TV are spelled consistently and correctly. I used to put out a product of which I could be proud. You know what happened to the marketing pieces I spent hours proofing? They get stuffed into people's mailboxes and then tossed into the trash. That is what I do with the crap they fill my mailbox up with (coupons for fast food only tempt me to go out, which I cannot afford even with the coupon right now).

I can't seem to get any publishing or writing gigs because my previous job didn't involve Indesign or online publishing. I have looked at Indesign though. And for the purposes of technical writing, it requires me to do the same things I did when typesetting the apartment newsletters in Publisher. The buttons may be in different places, but that's easy to learn. No one will give me a chance though. No one will let me try anything new. I like challenge. I am willing to work my ass off. I have an outstanding work ethic (I didn't realize this until I was told by multiple bosses). I am a dedicated employee. I like working. I need to work. I am going to go crazy if I have to continue this freelance thing for much longer. I want to put in 40 hours (or more) a week and earn a full paycheck. I want to know that I will be able to pay my bills and that going out for drinks one night during the week won't break the bank. What I absolutely do not want to do is have to ask my parents for help. I know they'll give it. They've offered to loan me money. They bought my new laptop when the old one died unexpectedly (and I fully intend to pay them back as soon as possible).

Ever since I got a job after college, I have been completely self-sufficient. I have managed to pay rent on a decent apartment in a relatively good neighborhood. I have managed to pay for a car that I like. I have managed to pay for real furniture to replace the futon and bean bag chair from my college dorm. I have managed to pay for everything I needed without a husband, without my parents. I like knowing that I can provide for myself.

No matter what anyone says, to me, having to ask my parents for help at this point is equivalent to failing. I went out in the world and I tried, but I failed and now I'm back at square one. My savings are virtually gone. My IRA is over half gone. My job is gone. And apparently my experiences up to this point count for nothing. Because no matter what I do, everybody just keeps passing over me in favor of someone else. I'm stuck in a catch-22 whirlpool of too much and too little experience at the exact same time.

My friend keeps telling me that everything will work out exactly as it's meant to, according to God's plan. And I appreciate her telling me that; some days it helps. But I have always had trouble accepting the idea of God having a "plan" for me. I've never really believed in that kind of God because I don't understand it. I've always felt like God is more of voyeur of my life than an interactive partner. And right now, I want to know why anyone--no matter their omnipotence--would wish all of this on me--or anyone else for that matter. I know I'm not the only one suffering (and not suffering the worst) but I had no part in any of the financial dealings that caused this all to happen, so I don't see how it's fair that I'm suffering from the effects. Which I know is a stupid complaint, but I'm beyond caring at this point. I used to be fond of the French saying, "C'est la vie," (literally "That's life" but I've always favored a looser translation of "Such is life.") but I just can't feel that detached from what is happening anymore. I'm used to being able to fix any problems if I just work hard enough at them, but the rejection is beginning to overwhelm me. If my friend is right and God does have a plan for me, I just want to know why he seems to feel I need to be put through this much stress and depression right now. How much can one person be expected to take before giving up and letting the current pull them under? (And no one better bring up Job.)